Homicidal Household Hale
by onlymystory
Summary: Derek finds it completely disgraceful that people would leave rings on his coffee table. Coasters aren't there for decoration. And the pack needs to quit tracking mud in his house. In other words, Derek Hale is secretly Monica Geller.
1. Chapter 1

"Stiles, why are we here?" asks Scott.

"How the hell should I know?"

"You're the one dating Derek," snaps Lydia.

Stiles rolls his eyes at her. "Doesn't mean I know why we're having a pack meeting after we just had one this morning."

There are several comments along the lines of why Stiles should know everything that is Derek adjacent but the Alpha in question walks in before Stiles can respond.

Derek carries a large grocery bag in and dumps the contents on the coffee table. A variety of coasters in all shapes and sizes scatter across the surface, some falling to the floor.

"Um, what?" asks Stiles, as he picks up one that amazingly enough has Tony Stark's face on it.

"Is there a reason you got coasters?" Allison starts stacking the coasters by image only to have Boyd disrupt everything and start organizing by shape. Isaac is just fascinated at all the flower coasters Derek bought.

Derek growls. "You will all use these from now on."

"Okay. What's the big deal?"

Derek stares at Jackson as though he can't believe the words. "Someone left a ring on the coffee table this morning. A fucking ring. It won't come out. I've tried multiple cleaning products and short of repainting the entire coffee table, we now have to live with this ugliness. It's disgraceful."

"It's a spot, Derek," tries Boyd. "Does it really matter?"

"We are not heathens who live in a fucking barn! Everyone will use a coaster for any and all beverages, I won't accept anything less."

There's a long and very awkward pause where everyone tries not to look around at the abandoned train station they're in, and focus their attention on the small area with two flea market couches, an Ikea coffee table, and a throw rug from Isaac's house.

Derek looks like he's going to have an apoplectic fit if anyone else argues with him.

Stiles looks at Derek and shrugs before leaning over to claim the rest of the Avengers coasters. "Coasters, people," he says, wagging one at the pack. "It's not like you're animals."


	2. Chapter 2

Stiles doesn't even notice the first welcome mat that appears in front of the entrance to the train station. Well, other than to assume it's Mrs. McCall's idea of a joke. She keeps buying Derek things like towels and toilet paper with side comments about how leaves are not actually acceptable organic alternatives.

He pays a little more attention when it switches to one that no longer says "welcome" but "wipe feet please".

Not that he actually uses it.

No one else in the pack does either.

Then a second mat appears inside the door. And at the bottom of the stairs.

There are six in front of each sliding door of the train cars where the pack sleeps.

Stiles knows he should talk to Derek. It's obviously the Alpha's doing.

Derek glared at Isaac (Isaac!) for an hour last week when the beta tracked mud into the house.

Then there was the emergency pack meeting. Some people assumed it was to cover the witch who had moved in and opened an ice cream parlor. Scott of course was adamant that they would not be kicking her out.

Ice cream, people. Priorities.

Lydia was on Scott's side since the shop had pink peppermint ice cream. According to Lydia, this was the only true form of peppermint ice cream.

Instead Derek handed everyone a gift wrapped package of slippers and made sure they all knew to wear them whenever they came by to visit.

There might have been a lecture about the sort of things that could be tracked in to a house with one's dirty shoes—things like bugs and disease and filth, Derek might have shuddered violently when he said that last one—a lecture that was only stopped when Jackson made a joke about fleas.

Jackson was subsequently banned from pack activities for a week.

It's as Stiles' is getting in Derek's car to go get ice cream—because yes Derek knows about the witch, no it isn't a problem, and Lydia should know that rum raisin is the best ice cream flavor.

Derek has no taste.

Everyone knows mint chocolate chip is the best.

Plebians.

But sitting on the floorboard of the passenger seat is a miniature welcome mat that says "Clean feet are the foundation of a clean mind."

Stiles gets out of the car. "No. No, no, no, absolutely not."

"What?" Derek gives him a look of exasperation.

"You cannot be serious with this!"

"The mat?"

Stiles huffs. "No, the sports car. Yes, the mat, doofus. You seriously expect me to wipe my shoes off every time I get in your car?"

Derek looks put out. "There's nothing wrong with wanting things to be clean, Stiles. I'm trying to encourage better habits among the pack. Must you judge me so harshly?"

Stiles gapes. "Must I judge…okay, first of all, no more Lizzie Bennet Diaries videos for you, hipster Darcy is not allowed to be your role model." He thinks for a minute and slyly grins. "So you're saying you don't like things dirty."

"Yes, Stiles."

"So obviously stains would be bad."

Derek gasps in horror.

"And spills, even a few drops would be a bad thing too right?"

"Obviously. Is there a point to this?"

Stiles gets in the car and very deliberately cleans his shoes off as he sits down. "Does that go for just your car or like the couch too?"

Derek sighs in frustration. "It goes for everything, Stiles. I expect a clean home and a clean car from my pack. That shouldn't be so hard and I'm not going to change my mind on this."

It's quiet the rest of the way to the ice cream parlor. Derek pulls into a parking space and looks at Stiles. "Are you mad at me?"

"Nope. Just thinking."

"About?"

"If there's any place left for us to have sex."

"What?!"

"Well, you made such a big deal about keeping things clean. I'll just have to stay away. I'd hate to come and make a mess." Stiles hops out of the car and smirks at Derek as he walks into the shoppe.

Derek renegotiates his rules over a hot fudge sundae. Partly because Stiles has a point. Mostly because he's pretty sure he's found a new use for chocolate. He can always have his sheets dry cleaned.


	3. Chapter 3

To Stiles' everlasting shock, Derek is not always homicidal about cleaning his loft.

He's not sure the singing and dancing is less frightening.

Stiles could possibly handle the singing. Derek's mom taught him cleaning songs—which to Stiles reads as took a lot of lessons from Mary Poppins on how to trick your children into liking chores—and it was the tiniest bit nerve-wracking to walk into the loft one day and find Derek belting out an ode to scrubbing toilets.

He spends a lot of time laughing about it, though not so much near Derek anymore once he found out where the songs originated. But c'mon, an alpha werewolf singing while he cleans his apartment? Look, Stiles can freely admit he's sometimes a horrible person.

Derek has a lot of songs too.

There's the dusting one, which apparently is a teamwork inspiring song because Derek taught it to Isaac and Jackson and makes them follow him around the house, dusting any spots he missed and singing harmonies.

It's okay. Stiles needed a moment to laugh at that too. He forgives you.

Derek doesn't actually miss spots when he's dusting—if you can't do a job right, the first time, don't bother doing it all, is what he usually snaps at his betas, hands on hips—but that doesn't get them out of helping.

Stiles attempts sometimes to get Scott to join him in snickering (politely and away from Derek). It worked until Derek taught Scott his dishes song.

He's pretty sure Scott's been trying to change up the words so he can pretend he wrote a love song for Allison.

Plus now Scott just volunteers to do the dishes on pack nights and Stiles isn't sure he wants to know what sort of things his best friend is whispering to the flatware.

The mopping song was Stiles' favorite when he first heard it, all full of energy and loud. Except apparently the song is a pre-mopping ritual. The actual chore itself involves some sort of ballroom dance.

This is what Stiles' is watching now. He's perched on the counter, watching Derek work. Before you think that Stiles doesn't do his part, let him just clear that up. He very helpfully volunteered to polish the silver. For some reason, twerking on the kitchen table while doing it is disrespectful to flatware.

Stiles didn't exactly argue for a second chance.

So he's watching Derek tango—oh, excuse him, waltz—around the kitchen with a mop and wondering if the fact that his pants are getting tight means he has a really strange kink.

But Derek also looks extra gorgeous, not to mention all long and limber when he spins, so Stiles possibly sprays water on the floor in random spots to make sure Derek keeps doing it.

He's just being helpful.

A clean house means a happy boyfriend and a happy boyfriend means a satisfied Stiles, so really he's just being supportive right now.

A final twirl swipes the mop over the last spot, moves Derek off the tiled floor and in front of Stiles.

"Are you just going to stay up there until the floor dries?"

Stiles shakes his head and tucks his spray bottle back in the cleaning bucket. "You look really hot when you do that."

"Mop?"

"Dance."

"I've got a few more moves." Derek winks at Stiles.

Stiles flutters his eyelashes and fakes a swoon. "Darlin', however will I resist your charms?"

Derek simultaneously rolls his eyes at Stiles and flashes a goofy grin, both of which just serve to make Stiles beam at him.

Cleaning obsession or not, he basically has the best boyfriend.

Derek walks towards the stairs.

"Wait!" Stiles stands up on the counter, shoes off of course because he knows the rules.

Derek turns back.

Stiles throws himself into the air at Derek, in a very poor attempt at being graceful. "Patrick Swayze me to the bedroom."

Derek is a very satisfactory dance partner because he holds Stiles up in the air all the way upstairs, even when Stiles' flails a bit through the doorway and accidentally kicks Derek in the back of the head.

It's okay though.

Stiles is going to make it up to Derek with his Flashdance skills.

* * *

**To the tune of Following the Leader**

_"We're gonna dust the house now, the house now, the house now  
We're gonna dust the house now until the mites all go  
We won't stop till it's all done, it's all done  
We won't stop dusting till it's done  
Cuz mama taught us so_

_Tee dum, tee dee  
A teedle ee do tee day  
Go with the grain,  
Your work won't be in vain!  
Go against the flow,  
You won't have much to show!  
With a dusting here,  
A dusting there we go!"_

**To the tune of Try a Little Tenderness**

_"When life gets weary,  
Try a little cleanliness.  
The dishes are waiting  
Without complaining  
For a little soap, and a gentle caress.  
So don't leave them soaking.  
Add a little bit of cleanliness."_

**To the Tune of Shout!**

_"You know you make me wanna (mop!)  
Sweep the dirt up & (mop!)  
A sparkling floor needs a (mop!)  
Get your cleaning gear and (mop!)  
Come on now  
Don't forget the elbow grease  
Don't forget under the fridge, yeah  
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah"_

**To the Tune of It's My Life**

_"It's my house  
It's oh so dirty  
I am gonna make it purty  
I just want to clean the germs away!  
It's my house  
The dirt ain't gonna go its own way  
Like Mama said  
I'll clean it my way  
I just wanna clean it on my own  
It's my home!"_


End file.
